Saturday, June 18, 2011

Cartoons: There's a reason they're animated, assholes

I still watch Nickelodeon. I mean, there were some years between 12 and 15 when I wasn't allowed to watch it, by my own perceptions that proper teenagers don't watch cartoons (ironically perpetuated by them). And then, at 16, thanks to Hot Topic and the ever-rising geek/nostalgia culture, where mid-life crisis comes earlier and earlier (which makes me worry for my thirties, frankly).

Why do I mention this? Why, because of this:

What. The Fuck. Is this. ?.

This. This thing. This abomination. This ghastly, Lovecraftian bastard between corporate greed and creative exhaustion. This is the live action adaption of the beloved-by-me-and-everyone-the-fuck-else Nickelodeon cartoon series The Fairly Odd Parents. An epic saga of a boy named Timmy Turner (voiced by the ubiquitous--if you've been an American child of the late nineties-early 2000s, that is--Tara Strong) who, seeking refuge from his evil babysitter Vicky, and the idiot parents who keep hiring her, is granted a pair of fairy godparents, Cosmo and Wanda. It's the greatest television show of all time. Fact.

That whatever just above? It stars Drake Bell from the also-of-my-childhood Drake & Josh, All That, and the Amanda Show. It's apparently a mixture of live-action and CGI. It's about Timmy Turner, fearing losing Cosmo and Wanda after he becomes an adult, goes into arrested development, staying in fifth grade until the age of 23.

Fuck you, Nickelodeon.

Do you know what they did, guys? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID?

The studio gluttons went after Ben 10. I remained silent. The took to Avatar: The Last Airbender. I avoided it. Oh sure, the former was from Cartoon Network. Irrelevent.

But this is going too far.

Cartoons are cartoons for a reason, boys.

It's because they're too stupid for live-action.

Or too smart.

Or too brilliant.

Or too weird.

Or too something.

The point is, they're drawn because that's who they are. No amount of CGI and bad acting can fix that little detail, Mr. Executive.

I don't see you turning Spongebob into an actual anthropomorphic sponge, do I? Or is that next? Will he be played by Dylan and Cole Sprouse? Tell me.

Actually, don't. Don't do anything. Stop raping my childhood, you sons of bitches. Stop. It.

(file under Cartoons That Shaped My Childhood)